I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
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BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”