I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
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My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
How your email finds me
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.