Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
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4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.