Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
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Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
never ask a starfish for directions
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Just why bro?!
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.