ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
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Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Eat…
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”