“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
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Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Just so funny
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.