I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
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I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
I think I’m having a stroke
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man