I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
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I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do