Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
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I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?