I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
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Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
File under excellent bookstore names.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
I did not eat the cake…
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
If snakes were wide
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
This kid is going places
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.