*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
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When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Oh, I bet you would be
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”