Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
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Bros before Ohioes
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
A French press is when you hug naked
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
I never needed anything more in my life
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Lmao
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.