25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
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Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.