Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
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*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN