Dammit Chief not again
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I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
These aliens are taking forever.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.