The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
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The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”