My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
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[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Happens to everyone.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.