I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
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How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.