Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
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Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Never ghost your hitman.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time