Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
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Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Bring back the McRib
The prophecy is fulfilled
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!