if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
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Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Cinematography is my passion
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”