Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
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Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
The USS B port
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁