When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
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Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.