How about daylight saves us for once
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My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
You can’t rush stupid.