Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
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As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.