Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
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I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
“i am a sweet baby”
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.