They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
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me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
who did the taste test?
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
When I snag the last meatball.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.