People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
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Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
time for some seasonal decor
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn