Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
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i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
no refunds
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
cause of death:
autopsy.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?