Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
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I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Previously On Persistence 😎
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)