how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
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[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*