My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
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burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya