WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
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Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
🤣
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Me recordaron éste meme