As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
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Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow