Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
You Might Also Like
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Mornin
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
? 💀
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk