I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
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me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
This could’ve been an email.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.