7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
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When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
o shit
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman