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This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*