I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
superman landing like a plane on his belly
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”