Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
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accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Support your local cemetery
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.