5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
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OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
I came this close!!!!