Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
You Might Also Like
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]