I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
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My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep