Great Canadian literature.
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*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.