Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
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a public service announcement
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
#dalle2
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.