Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
You Might Also Like
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
knights of the ikea table
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K