My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
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I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom