Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
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*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
When you let grandma cat sit
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.