Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
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It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas