I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
You Might Also Like
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell